My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
