It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
