My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
