In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
