Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
