dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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