I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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