Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
