You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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