'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
