Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
