so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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