I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
