I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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