Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
