So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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