I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
