We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
