He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
