Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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