I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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