Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
