Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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