woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
