Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
