Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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