Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
