I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
