Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
