I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
