hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
