you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
