The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
