I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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