yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
