I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
