i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
