my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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