My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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