when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
