i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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