i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
