btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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