your thong is hanging out like whoa
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
