I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
