T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
