FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just got carded by a ten year old.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
