Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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