i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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