Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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