just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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