new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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