3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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