If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
