Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
