Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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