so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
