Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
