so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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