Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
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I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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